On a Morose Note...

I typically try to write about things that amuse me or intrigue me as I go about my day, and I try to find some humor (or at least sarcasm) in them; but right now I'm feeling kind of depressed, so I'm just going to go with it. School is getting pretty overwhelming, so maybe that has something to do with my overly emotional mood; but I'm not completely sure.

I called Granny today to see how she is doing. I try to call her every week or so. She lives too far away for me to visit often, and unfortunately I only get to see her about once a year. I really look forward to the time I get to spend with her. Growing up, we lived really close to my grandparents and I saw them almost daily. My family moved when I was about 10, and after that, I spent every summer with my grandmother while school was out. Some of the best summer memories I have are of her and me sitting on the patio, talking and laughing and listening to her stories. I know it was hard for her after my grandfather died, but I like to believe that my visits helped some.

Anyway, Granny had a couple of major strokes in recent years, and, while she's recovered remarkably well, I can't help but worry, especially after conversations like today's. Her words came with more difficulty than usual, she lost her train of thought mid-sentence. She sounded overwhelmed to just be on the telephone. I asked her what she was doing, and she said that she was making dinner. Something about the thought of her alone, in her house, cooking a meal just for herself made me terribly sad, and made me very much want to see her right away. The hardest thing is that everytime I leave, I'm never quite sure if it will be the last time that I'm watching her wave to me as I pull away from her house. My grandmother is an absolute sage. She has the answers to everything it seems, and has a way of letting you know the right thing to do without you realizing that she's shown you the way. I love having such a wonderful person in my life, but with that comes the paralyzing fear of losing that person. Hearing her "not having a good day" only amplifies that fear.

And I guess here is yet another one of my OCD characteristics, and that is obsessing and worrying about things that I have no control over and about things that haven't even happened yet.

Writing this, though, has helped me feel a little better already. See? She's not even here with me, but she still knows how to guide me in the right direction.